Am I lying to myself about why I'm really doing this? If he reappeared and said forgive me, I fucked up, come away with me-would I say no? Am I being betrayed by my own subconscious? It wouldn't be the first time

Something is wrong with me. There is no excuse for seeing beauty and depth where I imagined it to be. It was an ugly, shallow mirage and I got lost in it.

So if that's true, why did I believe I loved him? What made him act the way he did in those weeks prior, what made him say what he said? Why can't I stop thinking about him now?

These are the things that keep me up at night.