cyberstalking the evil one doesn't give me the satisfaction I thought it would. I mean yes, on the surface it is hilarious, but on a deeper lever it just makes me sad. Part of me still misses him, still believes he could have been so much more than he is, believes we could have been something really special, something rare. I'm probably wrong, but what ifs have haunted me since the eighth grade and I have no cause to believe they'll stop now.

I fell in love with a dream construct last night. He was a southern boy with reddish hair. His name was Hickory. I've been told you cannot dream about a face you have never seen, but I have never seen that face before. Not initially attractive but handsome in a wise-beyond-his-years way. I hated to part from him and I was fairly upset when I woke up. I wonder what my brain is trying to tell me with that one.

Something is pulling me towards Indianapolis and I don't know what it is, or why. A little voice in my head is saying 'I wonder what it's like there. It would be interesting.' I can't explain it. I wish I could afford to visit so I could see for myself whether there is any merit to this.

Am I lying to myself about why I'm really doing this? If he reappeared and said forgive me, I fucked up, come away with me-would I say no? Am I being betrayed by my own subconscious? It wouldn't be the first time

Something is wrong with me. There is no excuse for seeing beauty and depth where I imagined it to be. It was an ugly, shallow mirage and I got lost in it.

So if that's true, why did I believe I loved him? What made him act the way he did in those weeks prior, what made him say what he said? Why can't I stop thinking about him now?

These are the things that keep me up at night.